i have always been a planner. in normal times i might have as many as four planning notebooks going at any one time: one with the kids' schedule, another for meal-planning, another for shabbos, etc, etc. i wrote shopping lists, activity lists, lists of lists.
i have noticed that since the birth/death of menucha, my lists are mostly questions.
Questions for My Doctor
Was it because I laid on my back too much?
Did I drink too much iced tea?
Was it Rh factor?
Was it because I skipped the diabetes test?
Was it because I pushed myself too hard?
Was it related to my varicose veins?
Did I get CMV or some other infection?
Was it COVID-related?
Was it because I took Zoloft?
Questions for My Rabbi
How am I supposed to think of the baby when I think of her now? Is she in heaven with everyone else? Is there a special heaven just for babies who never lived?
When I die, will we be reunited? Will she know me again, even though she never saw me on earth? Will we still be connected?
Why would God create a being destined to die before it could live? Why allow me to grow a baby for 9 months just so she could die?
Did she die because I complained about how much I hated being pregnant? Did I give her an ayin hara?
Did she die because I didn't appreciate the children I had? Did I not merit to be her mother because I lost my patience one time too many?
Did she die because I wasn't kind enough to others? Was I too judgmental?
Why did I have to have a baby that died two weeks before my brother and his wife welcomed a baby that lived?
Questions for My Support Group
When did you feel ready to try again?
What if you and your partner weren't on the same page?
Did you switch OBs for your next pregnancy?
How did you juggle your grief with happiness for family and friends?
How did you tell your other kids? How do you talk to your other kids about the baby?
Did you name them? Do you light shabbos candles for them?
Do you believe you will see them again after you die?
How did having a stillborn affect how you feel about your body? How do you look in the mirror and accept your postpartum body when you don't even have a baby to show for it?
How do you keep going?