STILL LIFE

trying to make sense of my world after my baby's death

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living with questions

i was so impressed with and grateful for the doctor who worked with me during my pregnancy with menucha. of my four children, she was...

the audacity of plans

today, my planner for 2021 arrived in the mail. i am afraid to open it. i wondered for a long time how i would feel about this day. i...

what to say when you don't know what to say

before my baby died, i made certain assumptions about people living through tragedy. they have a lot going on right now. they don't want...

the things no one wants to hear

in most ways, the world is still the same, but the way i view it has changed forever. some days it is hard for me to remember that all...

can you whistle?

i know people have strong feelings about peppa pig; it seems to be a love-it or hate-it kind of show. but of all of my kids' shows, peppa...

the beach

"should i make a sand angel?" i sit on a pile of rocks on the shore, watching my five-year-old daughter dart gleefully in and out of the...

black hole theory

one of my most vivid memories of the week after my baby's death is a conversation i had with my mother. maybe "conversation" is giving me...

don't forget

i write this the day after tisha b'av, the day of mourning and fasting we as a people have set aside each year to commemorate the...

a letter

dear God, the high holidays are rolling around once again. i know this is the time when many of your creations have their most intense,...

the statistic

as i have probably told you a thousand times already, i am a planner. i research things. i like to be prepared; i like to know the odds....

the room

"what are you doing in here?" my husband asks. "torturing yourself?" i am sitting on the floor of our third bedroom. it is the smallest...

why i never called you back

after my baby's death, you texted me. or called me. or emailed me. you consider yourself my friend. you didn't expect a response right...

the things that bring me comfort

there are little moments that keep me going. for some reason, every time i see a yellow butterfly i think of my daughter's soul gliding...

the reminders

i was not prepared for the reminders of grief. there were some things i think my husband and i knew instinctively would be too painful to...

the dreams

i dream about her almost nightly. sometimes i relive the nightmare, minute by minute. but mostly, in my dreams, she is not dead. the...

the firsts

it turns out that losing a baby can introduce you to a whole host of experiences you may not have given much thought to before. i am...

the kindness

i have written a lot about the pain and darkness of stillbirth. but in the last few weeks, i have learned a lot about kindness, too....

the questions

i have always been a planner. in normal times i might have as many as four planning notebooks going at any one time: one with the kids'...

the nightmare

As long as I can remember, I've considered myself a storyteller. I wrote stories for fun as a kid; I grew up to be an editor, and writing...

 
 

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